I'm sort of thinking about the word and how it entails the many aspects of my life. Like social life. Like venting feelings. Like assistance. Like dependency. Like assurance. Like long lasting bonding. Hmm, I'm seriously thinking if it also entails my existence in this only earth, my self-image, and my self-confidence.
You see, I'm very nervous about what others think of me. I hate being hated. I hate being ignored. Attention Deficit, that's me. I like being the center of attention. And having no friends is like the end of the world. Period.
Back to the definition of friend, dictionary.com defines in 3 (three) definitions. That much for a simple word:
1. A person whom one knows, likes and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
First definition, hmm, now the like and trust part is the one that I'm worried about. Certainly most of the time I feel that I'm not likeable or trustable. Will my friends consider me as a friend who is likeable and trustable? I don't think so.
I obviously have no problem with the second definition. I mean, oh yeah, people know me. Yet, I'm not sure if I just want to be known. I need to elevate the level of acquintance into a higher level, like in the first definition. The problem is, will I be capable of being likeable and trustable. Likeable, maybe, but trustable? Last month a friend (or should I say an acquintance) commented that I gave too many empty promises. Often times, I could not fulfill my promises. Of course, I should refer the comment she made to the context of our conversation. Still, it stung and it hurt a bit. Am I really not that trustable?
A comrade, the third definition, a person with whom we struggle together for a cause. I can categorize my classmates as my comrades, a.k.a. friends. I can also put my Fulbright fellows as friends, because we share many idealism and we fought for getting the scholarship. Probably, this definition is more on the realm of idealism, ideas, thoughts, opinions, rather than in private area, like in the first definition.
Looking back to these definitions, I think the difference lies in the realms in which such relationship with the person occurs. If the private area is what one seeks, then s/he has to fulfill the like and trust criteria. In ideas level, the third definition is more applicable. If no feelings attached, the second will work best.
I don't know. I'm all confused. I guess at this very moment, I do seek a friend whom I like and trust. I do have some friends who are more like comrades. And of course, hundreds of acquintances under my waist. From my point of view, I do have those kinds of friends. I call many of them my friends. But the twist is from others' point of view: will I be able to be a friend, a truly friend whom one can know, like, trust, and share ideas?
I doubt it.
